No I have four.....

I have been thinking about this post since Monday. After our picnic with my family we stopped by the store to grab things to make tacos. Brennon had asked for tacos for dinner and well that was a request I could grant. Braiden and Madi were asleep and Brennon was watching a movie in the car so we locked the doors and ran in real quick. At the check out was our old preacher from our old church. We hadn't seen him in years and he was now retired and had moved back to Cullman. We chatted for a few minutes and he said I heard you had another baby, so that makes 3 right. For the first time in a while it was like he threw a knife in my heart. I didn't know what to say, how much to explain, I just looked at Patrick and he took the conversation over. We said our goodbyes, got things for tacos and went home.
No I have four children. Three I get to share my life with, love and watch grow. But one baby I will never know, never hold. I know life goes on and moves forward but I do not want it to be like he was never here. Never alive and growing inside me. There are still days when I cry, grieve, and miss my baby. I miss all the things that will never be or happen. How do you explain the question (How many children do you have?) I still feel awkward answering that.
I rest in knowing that heaven will be the only home he will ever know. That he rests in his Father's arms. That he will never know pain or sickness, only joy and love. I just wonder if he will ever know my love for him and how much I desperately wanted him.
So, I am a mother of 4 children. 3 are here blessing my life daily and 1 I dream about and will hold and know one day. I am learning to walk this new road God has sent me on. His plan and timing are perfect. I look at Braiden and I am in awe of Gods plan. What a gift to not know the whole story and look back a few years later and have it come into view. He knew all along....

For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling,
Psalm 116:7-9


Brandi